Women Joke

20 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women

1. Not kissing her first.
   Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the areas covered always by 2 layers of clothing makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. It makes her feel the same as when you cut in line while getting on a plane. You know you're going to get there, and you know that the plane wont leave without you, but you just have to make sure that your baggage is properly stowed. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2. Blowing too hard in her ear.
   OK, so some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish all the candles on your 50th birthday cake at once. Also avoid doing this if you drool in the least bit while seeing a woman naked, as she will be hopping up and down on one foot drying to get the water out of her ear for the better part of Leno..
3. Not shaving.
   Unless are in the habit of hopping back into bed just after your morning shave (Don't you wish), you often forget you have a Brillo Pad for a chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs, and possible the nether regions (Don't you just love that terminology.) if you are lucky enough. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance, and her screams of ecstasy are actually that of more pain than a styptic pen..
4. Squeezing her breast.
   Remember Mr. Whipple? Please don't squeeze the Charmins??? Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. They will be more sensitive if they are not reminded of their last mammogram.
5. Biting her nipples.
   Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? This is nothing like taking a breathalyzer test. Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to the kind of abuse Bubblicious takes. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6. Twiddling her nipples.
   Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area.
7. Ignoring the other parts of her body.
   A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention. Oh, and don't be so Macho Popeye that you are afraid to stop and ask for directions.
8. Giving love bites.
   It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end in the middle of July in Arizona.
9. Leaving her a little present.
   Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. She does not think it is cute when you pretend that it is a slingshot, or elastic band trying to shoot a the fly off the ceiling. Oh, and it is not made of vulcanized rubber...Squeezing the reserve into a little ball can result in the kind of explosion that can only be surpassed by a stick of TNT.
10. Not being imaginative enough.
    Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are less appreciated.
11. Taking pictures.
    No explanation is necessary I hope.
12. Attempting anal sex and pretending it was an accident.
    This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. The last thing that she wants to simultaneously hear when she feels you poking at her rear is "Oopsy".
13. Giving her a wedgie during foreplay.
    Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. Floss is for the teeth, not her buttocks. If she doesn't wear a thong, she doesn't want to. If she wears a thong, she doesn't want it to feel spot welded to her.
14. Taking etiquette advice from porn movies.
    In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do. Oh, and showing her a note from your dermatologist saying that semen is good for any skin condition will not seduce her.
15. Nudging her head down.
    Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. You will find that most women act like a jack in the box, in that as soon as your hands leave her shoulders or head, they will spring back up.
16. Performing oral sex too gently.
    Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk.
17. Taking your pants off first.
    A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fast. If you are wearing knee highs, excuse yourself, go to the men's room and flush them down the toilet.
18. Going too fast.
    When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. As a rule of thumb, stop if she begins smoking, sparks fly or you feel like she has razor blades for lips.
19. Not coming soon enough.
    Aside from the fact that she will be wondering where you were for the past hour and why all of the sudden you can't come, she will be sore herself. Contrary to what you may have read, most women do not like to have sex longer than the newest hit movie "Traffic"
20. Coming too soon.
    No, the line "You are just so magnificent that I couldn't hold back any longer" doesn't work when used after 18 seconds. Have a little blue pill handy just in case, and seek help.

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