Men Joke

1. "What are you thinking about?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Do I look fat in this?"
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: "What are you thinking about?"
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2: "Do you love me?"
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question #3: "Do I look fat?"
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: "What would you do if I died?"
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: ""Would you get married again?"
Man: "Definitely not!"
Woman: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
Man: "Of course I do."
Woman: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Man: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Woman: (with a hurtful look on her face) "You would?"
Man: (makes audible groan)
Woman: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Man: "Where else would we sleep?"
Woman: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?"
Man: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Woman: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Man: "She can't use them; she's left-handed."
One minute's silence.
Man: "Shit."

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