Archive

Puzzle #79
"Six kings" can be converted into what word?

Joke
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt
unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked
the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to
$2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick
this button in your ear and run this little string down to your
pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when
people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

Bumper Sticker
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

One Liner
Today's subliminal thought is:

Quote
"It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue
about them."
- Pierre de Beaumarchais

Short Joke
When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day,
sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we
found out there was a bus.

Joke
One night, two Eskimos are sitting in a bar in northern Alaska,
when they are accosted by a young man from the Mainland. The
fellow has obviously been drinking. He slurs, "Hey, ya know,
I've always admired you Eskimos. I REEAAALLLY like Eskimos. I've
ALWAYS WANTED to be an Eskimo. Tell me how ta BE an Eskimo,
huh?"

The Eskimos wink at each other. One tells the guy, "Okay, to
become an Eskimo, there are only _three_ things that you have to
do. First, you've got to drink a whole bottle of Yukon Jack at
once, then you've got to kill a polar bear with your bare
hands, and, finally, you have to make love to an Eskimo woman."

The guy takes this in. He ticks off three fingers to himself.
Then he heads over to the bar, and orders a bottle of Yukon
Jack. Already drunk, he drinks the whole thing down. This has a
bad effect on his balance. The fellow staggers out of the bar,
muttering something like "Polar bear, Polar bear..."

Several hours pass.

Finally, the door to the bar opens, and the drunk is back. He
looks a fright. His parka is ripped, one of his arms is dangling
at a crazy angle, and he's got blood all over his face. He
staggers over to the Eskimos, and says, "ALL right. I've got the
Yukon Jack. I've got the polar bear. Now WHERE'S THIS ESKIMO
BITCH I'VE GOTTA KILL?"

One Liner
Bald guys never have a bad hair day.

Corny Joke
Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

Little Johnny Joke
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their
parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a
doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was
Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. The teacher asked
him, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Little Johnny said, "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an
apple and asked for my phone number."

Blonde Joke
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in
his company. He wanted to find out something about his
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Practical Joke Suggestion
Find an untanned girl on the beach asleep in the sun face down
with tanning oil on her back. Place a piece of paper on her back
with something like "FREE SEX" cut out with stencils. The oil
keeps it from blowing away, and after a few hours she has a nice
message on her back.

Classic Joke
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the
bride and groom's families have a storming row and begin
wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out
of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in
court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge
finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting,
'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins
his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a
Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the
bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between
her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have
hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Useless Trivia
In New York State, it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a
moving trolley car.

Joke
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and
was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, "I'll
install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will
cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little
tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little,... and the wrinkles
will disappear!"

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "GO FOR IT!"

The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home
happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of
agitation. She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these
bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?"

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't BAGS
under your eyes. Those are your TITS. And if you keep messing
around with that screw pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.

Women Joke
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in
his hands. This "Handy Hormone Hostage Guide" should be as
common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband,
boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite ..
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: Y'know, I've always loved you in that robe.

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#78):
What are the 3 missing letters in this series?

O T F S N E _ _ _ N T T T T....

The solution:
T F S
Each letter is the first letter of each odd number from 1 onwards:
O.ne, T.hree, F.ive, S.even, N.ine etc.

To subscribe, email:
  mailto:subscribe@cwols.com

To unsubscribe, email:
  mailto:unsubscribe@cwols.com

Got a joke to submit? Send it to:
  mailto:jokes@cwols.com

Comment, question, query or suggestion? Send it to:
  mailto:webmaster@cwols.com

Interested in advertising? Mail:
  mailto:advertising@cwols.com

::: http://www.cwols.com/ :::