Archive

Puzzle #78
What are the 3 missing letters in this series?

O T F S N E _ _ _ N T T T T....

Solution in two weeks!

Joke
Mother: "What seems to be the problem with you? You have been
married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being
a grandmother by now."

Daughter: "I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time,
it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing."

Bumper Sticker
Don't Blame Me - I Voted For Gore... I Think

One Liner
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Quote
"Women who miscalculate are called 'mothers'."
- Abigail Van Buren

Redneck Joke
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Short Joke
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a
woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman
is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men
with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating
she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors
shoved in his temple.

One Liner
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

Corny Joke
Q: What do you call a row of 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Topical Joke
- Definitions -

Feudalism:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them
and sells you the milk.

Communism:
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the
milk.

Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron:
You have two cows.
You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from
your bank, then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest
financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap
goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three
cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows
back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this
transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor
and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that
announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin
trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web). I am
sure you now fully understand what happens.

Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother
approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."

"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."

"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of
doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo
taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and
confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo
about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his
claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't
understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then
suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we
say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

Blonde Joke
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A. About 2 cans of hair spray.

Classic Joke
- College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version -

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

Useless Trivia
The maximum penalty for conviction of smuggling in Bangladesh is
the death penalty.

Joke
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What
rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing
next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know...
why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a
great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes
back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady
is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling
over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on
29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so dumb she makes blondes look smart.

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#77):
Rearrange these letters to form five different 8-letter words:

A E G I L N R T

The solution:
ALERTING, ALTERING, INTEGRAL, RELATING, TRIANGLE.

To subscribe, email:
  mailto:subscribe@cwols.com

To unsubscribe, email:
  mailto:unsubscribe@cwols.com

Got a joke to submit? Send it to:
  mailto:jokes@cwols.com

Comment, question, query or suggestion? Send it to:
  mailto:webmaster@cwols.com

Interested in advertising? Mail:
  mailto:advertising@cwols.com

::: http://www.cwols.com/ :::