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Puzzle #76
In 1991, Dimitrus, the old Greek historian, celebrated his 65th
birthday. Realizing that he wasn't getting any younger and
desperately wanting to see the great old pyramids and  other
relics first hand, he decided to reward himself with a trip to
Egypt for his 70th birthday. Five years later to the day,
Dimitrus stood before the great pyramids of Egypt. Noticing the
names of other tourists inscribed in the stones, he took out a
small knife and etched his name with the others. This occurred
in 1986. How was this date possible?

Solution next week!

Joke
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're
walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and
knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady
answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and
begs her for a drink.

The woman says, "Sure, if you screw me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, than
sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The
second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man
outside. The woman says, "give it to me then!" The man agrees to
do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack
and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up,
screws her with it and throws it out the window. The woman opens
her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The woman is finally
satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some
water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the
woman is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "To hell with the water, I want some more of
that buttered corn."

Bumper Sticker
Don't believe everything you think.

Joke
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to
seek her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to
the host and asks him: "Who's the most powerful man in the
room?"

"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.

The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob,
would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to
talk to you." Bob and the girl step behind the column and she
says, "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and
give you the best blowjob you've ever had!"

Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But... what's in it
for me?"

One Liner
It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice.

Quote
"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one."
- Phil White

Short Joke
Q:Why did the elephant cross the road?
A:He was stapled to the back of the chicken.

One Liner
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Corny Joke
A number of years ago I went to a bar with some friends.  After
a few brews I noticed a sign above the bar:

"For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent Condition. Make Offer".

So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?"

He says, "Oh, about three to four pounds"

Joke
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a
table nearby...all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for
their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her
knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the
girl, saying that it is from the gentleman. She looks at the
wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7
inches in your pants".

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own notes back
to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a
Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850II, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my
garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off
three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Little Johnny Joke
A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that
each student should think of a story and then a moral for that
story to share with the class the next day. The following day
the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story,
and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on
the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well,
one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the
basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says,
"Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8
of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies,
"Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted
fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over
enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a
machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he
drank the case of beer.

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The
blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his
bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is
possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't mess
with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Blonde Joke
A young blonde executive was leaving the office one evening when
she noticed the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a
piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is
important, and my assistant has left for the day. Can you make
this thing work?"

"Certainly," she replies, flattered that the CEO had askedher
for help. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and
pressed the START button.

"Excellent!" replied the CEO, "I'll need two copies."

Classic Joke
A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc,
you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I
had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my
mother, and I meant to say, 'please pass the salt,' but instead
I said, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

Useless Trivia
Senectitude is another word for old age.

Yo*Momma Joke
Yo momma so ugly, her parents named her 'Shit Happens'

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#75):
The first diagram is incomplete. Obviously, the letters are
entered in alphabetical order, so the empty square gets a P.

The second diagram has been filled according to a different
logical principle. Which letters go in the empty spaces?

Diagram 1:

   A    B    C    D

   E    F    G    H

   I    J    K    L

   M    N    O    _

Diagram 2:

   A    C    E    _

   L    N    _    I

   J    _    M    K

   _    F    D    B

The solution:
The letters are still in alphabetical order, but simultaneously
so, in two symmetrical paths.

   A    C    E    G

   L    N    P    I

   J    O    M    K

   H    F    D    B

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