Archive

Puzzle #74
Which of these words is the odd-one-out?

BENEFIT  FLOTSAM  HIJACK  ROSEBUD  SUITED  TRUMPETER

Solution in three weeks!

Christmas Joke
- CHRISTMAS CONTROVERSIES -

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use.
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use.
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur balls.

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm.
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team.
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles.
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down.

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype.
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt.
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas.
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts.

CONTROVERSY: Do you fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand with self-determining skills.
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree.
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree.

CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning.
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules.
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football.
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present.
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway.

Joke
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

Name: _____________________________
Gang: _____________________________

1. Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out
of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how
many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to
Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is
the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?

3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each
trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can
pay for his $800 a day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?

5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and
$100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many
Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received
$10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and
how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all
his money?

7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and
the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a
tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang.
If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls
in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in
the gang hasn't Hector knocked up?

BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how
many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8
times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the
highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?

Bumper Sticker
I can live with fear - as long as she lets me go to the races.

Christmas Joke
- CHRISTMAS CARDS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED -
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks
and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All
Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My
True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire.

One Liner
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.

Joke
I have begun to suspect that invisible monkeys may inhabit my
new office building. I have yet to see one, but ever day around
lunch creatures of simian intelligence flock to the bathroom and
liberally water the bathroom floor.

I have made it a personal project to reform these primordial
beasts and help them move into the category of tool-using
hominoids. The tool in question being a urinal. This is the
journal of my continuing progress.

Experiment 1 Education

I made a sign enumerating the finer points of trajectory and
flow control. A small set of experiments have indicated that
posting said tract on fluid dynamics over the urinal only
results in less hose control as the primary aiming implements
(i.e. hands) are then used to examine the document instead of
being used to direct flow away from the floor. EXPERIMENT FAILED

Experiment 2 Motivation

I then came up with the idea of adding a target to the urinal.
Perhaps making the user experience more interactive could make
the urinal preferable to the simplicity and convenience of the
bathroom floor.

For this experiment I used a set of whiteboard markers acquired
from the deployment lounge to draw a large targeting reticule in
the urinal. Preliminary experiments were promising, yet repeated
applications of the markers were required to keep floor
viscosity at a minimum. Also repeated requests for markers have
resulted in loss of store room privileges at work.

The remaining markers are now locked away and with out
additional funding the experiment can not continue. I am forced
to return the old markers (now smelling slightly of ammonia) to
the deployment lounge. No one appears the wiser. MODERATE
SUCCESS

Experiment 3 Marketing and Sociology

After having a request for government funding denied on the
grounds that no invisible simian species exist, I am resorting
to private funding since government funding. My proposal is to
get simian related themes printed on urinal cakes in the hopes
that the creatures will become intrigued with the urinal and
possible puzzle out its use.

Unfortunately my ROI (Return on Investment) estimates were
horrid. Apparently the simian population (invisible and not) are
not a strong marketing demographic. To broaden my projects
appeal I came up with the idea of marketing instead to humans
and using Sociology to affect the monkeys.

My new proposal use urinal cakes with the picture of Bin Laden.
The monkey population may not be entranced but the humans in my
building seem drawn to the prototype urinal cake

I am hoping that the repeated demonstrations of the urinal's use
combined with powerful social factors will help reform the
burgeoning monkey population in my building.

My new plan was brilliant. Funding arrived from several sources
and I now have enough change to make telephone calls to several
business partners. I spent a few hours calling  urinal cake
manufacturers.

A few calls later I finally have a business partner who
understands my needs, he has offered to help me for free for
"the good of the cause". Enthralled I agreed to his terms.

Unfortunately licensing issues with the photographer and
distribution problems have stalled the project. Furthermore my
partner left with all my notes and is now working as director
for a large competitor.

Undeterred I continue to run the organization in my spare time.
Unfortunately my attempts to manufacture urinal cake myself fail
miserably. My mothers biscuits, while the appropriate color and
consistency, appear to dissolve twice as fast as my larger
competitor. Attempts to use 3rd party cakes also fail as they
repeatedly jammed the printer on both "letter" and "legal"
settings. I looked briefly for an illegal setting, but no dice.
NOT PRACTICAL IN THE SHORT TERM

Experiment 4 Extermination

Due to the set failed experiments, I now spend breaks lurking in
the bathroom with a baseball bat. Hopefully if I take enough of
them down the problem will improve.. RESEARCH ONGOING...

PS. the printer is still jammed.

Quote
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemingway

Short Joke
Female paradox #11:
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

One Liner
Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight, when
all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight.

Corny Joke
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out
late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep
when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get
into trouble."

The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide
awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and
giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"

"I turned out the light," the second man replied.

Joke
I was shopping for my sister the other day on Amazon.com. One of
the items on her wish list is a large-dial bathroom scale.

When I found the scale she wanted, Amazon.com informed me that
"Customers who bought this item also bought the following item:"

"Cuisinart 1 1/2 quart electric ice cream maker, White"

Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny is in school one day and the teacher ased him to
use the words "bitter end" in a sentence.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and said "The dog chased the
cat through the house and it bitter end."

Blonde Joke
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can
you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the
edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what
the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put
the corn flakes back in the box."

Computer Joke
- THE TOP TEN WAYS A COMPUTER GUY CAN IMPRESS HIS DATE -

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with
your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.

9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for
the secret messages about Satan.

8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on
your Newton MessagePad.

7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality
escalator.

6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.

5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an
active-matrix LCD panel.

4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her"
system unit keys.

3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help
of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.

2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission,
particularly if the system is on her lap.

AND THE #1 WAY A COMPUTER GUY CAN IMPRESS HIS DATE:

1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill
Gates do in a situation like this?

Classic Joke
There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog.
Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One
dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it
could make.

The doctor said, "Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human
skeleton.

The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they
decided to give the other dogs a try.

The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The
dog built a suspension bridge.

The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

The lawyer said. "Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a
percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the
other two dogs.

Useless Trivia
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of
a pig prepared with mustard.

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help!

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#73):
A 12 year old boy approaches his friends, he has in his hand a
bottle with a cork in the top, and hanging from the bottom of
the cork is a thread with a nut tied to the other end, with the
nut an inch or two from the bottom of the bottle.

He sets the bottle down on a picnic table, and announces that he
intends to cut the thread so that the nut will fall to the
bottom, and he will do it without touching the cork or the
bottle, he then invites his friends to guess how he will
accomplish this. How did he do it?

The solution:
He uses a magnifying glass to burn the thread.

To subscribe, email:
  mailto:subscribe@cwols.com

To unsubscribe, email:
  mailto:unsubscribe@cwols.com

Got a joke to submit? Send it to:
  mailto:jokes@cwols.com

Comment, question, query or suggestion? Send it to:
  mailto:webmaster@cwols.com

Interested in advertising? Mail:
  mailto:advertising@cwols.com

::: http://www.cwols.com/ :::