Archive

Puzzle #73
A 12 year old boy approaches his friends, he has in his hand a
bottle with a cork in the top, and hanging from the bottom of
the cork is a thread with a nut tied to the other end, with the
nut an inch or two from the bottom of the bottle.

He sets the bottle down on a picnic table, and announces that he
intends to cut the thread so that the nut will fall to the
bottom, and he will do it without touching the cork or the
bottle, he then invites his friends to guess how he will
accomplish this. How did he do it?

Solution next week!

Topical Joke
Reports from Afghanistan say that the Marine Special Forces have
been seen wearing special t-shirts that read:

              U.S.M.C.

It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden

It's our job to arrange the meeting!

     United States Marine Corps

Religion Joke
Melvin comes to confession. "Father," he said, forgive me for I
have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," Melvin replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

Melvin then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for
UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section
of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there
stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long
blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer
dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked
seductively if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Melvin
asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be
appropriate... you dumb ass"

Bumper Sticker
Ignorance should be painful.

Christmas Joke
Q: What is Santa’s dog’s name?
A: Santa Paws.

One Liner
You say tomato, I say ketchup.

Joke
Three women, while traveling in a train, are discussing
different types of pain.

The first woman says, "There is no pain like when you suffer a
fracture". The second woman says, "That's nothing. Post-surgical
pain is the worst". The third woman says, "I disagree. Pain
during childbirth is the severest".

An old man who is resting up on the top bunk overhears this
conversation and interrupts them.

"I don't think you three have ever experienced a swift kick to
the balls".

Quote
"At first I thought my life was going around in circles. Then I
took a closer look and realized it's actually a downward
spiral."
- Tom Ryan

Short Joke
Female paradox #37:
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

One Liner
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

Corny Joke
Q: How do you kill a circus troupe?
A: Go for the juggler!

Bad Joke
A guy from the Deep South moves to New York and he's amazed by
the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets
work that he goes to the sewage disposal plant to check it out.
One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that
carries all the fecal matter.

As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You
can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See
that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of
taco shell, and the tomato seeds?"

"And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a
Jap...see the fish eyes and the rice in it?"

"And this next one is surely from a queer."

Our Southern friend asks, "How can you tell it was from a
queer?"

The inspector answers, "Well see, it's dented on one end."

Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny's parents decided that the only way to pull off a
Sunday afternoon quickie with Little Johnny in the apartment was
to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all
the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled
father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his Johnny
replied.

Blonde Joke
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." It was signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I
cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Lawyer Joke
There was a loser who couldn't get a date.  He went to a bar and
asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.  After
she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing
because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why... Yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing,
he started to laugh to himself.  When she asked what was so
funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15
minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

Classic Joke
A small survey of some popular European languages:

Spanish - Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

Russian - There are 33 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass
the Vodka or I shoot you."

French - Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation
that you want to have sex with the person you are talking to.

German - The German word for "hello" is
"Echsteinlefahrtengruber". The German translation for "Hey Hans,
what say tomorrow morning we climb into our tanks and roll over
Poland?" is "Hans, Poland, ja?"

Useless Trivia
The shortest war on record took place in 1896 when Zanzibar
surrendered to Britain after 38 minutes.

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so flat she jealous of da wall!

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#72):
I walk, but have no legs. I sleep, but never dream. You can
rock me in a cradle, but I am not a babe and I can go around
the world faster than you can cross a room. What am I?

The solution:
A yo-yo.

To subscribe, email:
  mailto:subscribe@cwols.com

To unsubscribe, email:
  mailto:unsubscribe@cwols.com

Got a joke to submit? Send it to:
  mailto:jokes@cwols.com

Comment, question, query or suggestion? Send it to:
  mailto:webmaster@cwols.com

Interested in advertising? Mail:
  mailto:advertising@cwols.com

::: http://www.cwols.com/ :::