Archive

Puzzle #72
I walk, but have no legs. I sleep, but never dream. You can
rock me in a cradle, but I am not a babe and I can go around
the world faster than you can cross a room. What am I?

Solution next week!

Topical Joke
Memo to: Cavemates
From: Osama
Regarding: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really
come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for
putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well
as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is
hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't
forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few
concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise
missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions
in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so
we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet
near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm
trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That
means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor
scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict,
we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to
just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this
together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly
wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today,
my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in
disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up
patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed,
Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots.

Osama

Redneck Joke
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He
hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the
big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very
rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he
came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a
tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing
any pants.

"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"

"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the
fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th'
house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood
board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."

Bumper Sticker
[Seen upside down on a Jeep:]
If you can read this, please flip me back over.

Thanksgiving Joke
An elderly man in the Southern United States calls his son up in
North Dakota and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of
misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
replies. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you call your sister in Boston and tell her," he
says as he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this."

She calls Arizona immediately, and screams at the old man, "You
are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" Then
she hangs up.

The old man puts down the phone, turns to his wife and says.
"OK, they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
airfares."

One Liner
Success is when your name is in everything but the phone book.

Joke
A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his
wife an elbow and says, "May-Ling, how about a little 69. I'm in
the mood for some 69."

"Shut-up and go back to sleep," groans his wife.

"Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so do you!"

"What time is it?"

"1:30."

"You want me to get up at this hour and make beef and broccoli
for the two of us?"

Quote
"Women who miscalculate are called 'mothers'."
- Abigail Van Buren

Short Joke
A man who was noted for his tact was awakened one morning at
four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and
it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice.

The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name before
hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called back his
neighbor...

"Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

One Liner
Don't worry about bad days, there are going to be plenty more of
them.

Corny Joke
Q: What did the river say when the hippopotamus sat down in it?
A: "Well, I'll be dammed!"

Little Johnny Joke
One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling
game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to
spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a
sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was continually
in the air, but the teacher ignored him. Little Johnny had a
propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the simplest of
statements into sexual innuendo.

The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he
could turn into a lewd statement.

"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.

"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.

"Excellent," said the teacher.

She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F.
Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any
circumstances so she asks Mary, "F is for fairy ... F-A-I-R-Y,
they're little girls who lives among the flowers", Mary replies.

"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".

Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about
this and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks.

"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too."

"Johnny! That's excellent!" exclaims the teacher, very happy
that for once he wasn't out of line.

Little Johnny goes on to say, "Yes, teacher, he's the one who
screws the fairies!"

Blonde Joke
One day a group of blondes were going to the cinema in a rented
bus. They were all enjoying the company of each other, when
they drove into a '50 limit' zone. Without hestation the blonde
driving the bus stopped it and ten of them got out.

Classic Joke
WORK Virus Warning

There is a new virus going around, called WORK.

If you receive any sort of WORK at all, whether via email,
Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN
IT!

This has been circulating around our building for months and
those who have been tempted to open WORK or even look at WORK
have found that their social life is deleted and their brain
ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter WORK via email or are faced with any WORK at
all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with
the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub".
The WORK should automatically be forgotten by your brain and
your career will now be successful destroyed.

If you receive WORK in paper-document form, simply lift the
document and drag the WORK to your garbage can and deposit
there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest pub with
two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this
action 14 times, you will find that WORK will no longer be of
any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest
cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do
NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the WORK
VIRUS has already corrupted your life.

Useless Trivia
The metal part of a lamp that surrounds the bulb and supports
the shade is called a harp.

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so fat when her water broke people yelled "TIDAL WAVE!"

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#71):
Five children hit on the idea of getting themselves all weighed
on an automatic machine at the total cost of just one penny. Two
of them got on the stand at the same time, and one of them
changed places with another until all ten possible pairs had
been weighed. The weights in pounds were as follows: 114, 115,
118, 119, 121, 122, 123, 125, 126, and 129. The big brother of
one of the children then managed to work out their individual
weights from these figures. Can you do the same?

The solution:
Call the children A, B, C, D, and E in order of their weights,
A being the lightest and E the heaviest. A and B (the two
lightest) together weigh 114 punds. D and E (the two heaviest)
together weigh 129 pounds. These four together weigh 243
pounds, which, deducted from the weight of all five, 303
pounds, gives us the weight of C, 60 pounds. (To obtain the
total weight of 303 pounds, add all the pairs together and
divide by 4, since each child was weighed four times.) The
lightest and next lightest but one weighed 115 pounds - that
is, A and C. Since C is 60 pounds, A must be 55 pounds. The rest
is now quite simple. The children's individual weights turn out
to be 55, 59, 60, 63 and 66 pounds.

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