Archive

Puzzle #71
Five children hit on the idea of getting themselves all weighed
on an automatic machine at the total cost of just one penny. Two
of them got on the stand at the same time, and one of them
changed places with another until all ten possible pairs had
been weighed. The weights in pounds were as follows: 114, 115,
118, 119, 121, 122, 123, 125, 126, and 129. The big brother of
one of the children then managed to work out their individual
weights from these figures. Can you do the same?

Solution next week!

Joke
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected
something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no
response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the
tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind...the pilot is dead,
and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside
down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

Short Joke
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in
common." said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you
get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'" was
the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

Bumper Sticker
Don't kill criminals - you might starve an attorney.

Joke
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third
wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting
a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your
second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.
You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.
I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

One Liner
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Long Joke
THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN
ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful
decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent,
a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and
should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near
a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The
time has come to place that loved one into the care of an
Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many
questions.

We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?
Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm,"
"Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically
Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on
assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured
residential environment for those unable to handle even the most
common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like
Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow
residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives
without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to
understand or execute the technologies themselves.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many
millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand
it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members
who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is
suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as
Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.
You must ask yourself:

"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to
open an email attachment?"

"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is
different from hard drive memory?"

"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I
replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs
which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't
figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a
moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain
employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to
ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by
direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there
are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the
technologically challenged. For example, there are currently
only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million
AOL users.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity
is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many
residents are covered through government programs such as
Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only
cover a portion of the fees.

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance
Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to
pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers
such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many
of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell,
Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a
resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for
instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a
year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation
of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that
residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves
residents on lavatory tissue.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit
a family member. However, the now famous British court case
Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors
to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley
Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an
ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier
were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to
court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou
virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next
day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the
attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we
know."

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and
not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe
the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly
discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On
the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm
supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned Gates you
know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.'

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent
lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices,
including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks.
However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals
(LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such
as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs
should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have
shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things
worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for
them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?
No.

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on
Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by
clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both
the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep
in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists.
WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

Quote
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to
ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

One Liner
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess
which has just occurred?

Corny Joke
Q: Why did the orchestra have such bad manners?
A: Because it didn't know how to conduct itself!

Little Johnny Joke
The teacher asks Little Johnny one day to use "contagious" in a
sentence.

Johnny replies, "Well, one day me and my dad were waiting for my
mom to come home and make dinner. Then a cab pulled up and she
stumbled out but passed out on the porch. My dad said, 'Come on
Johnny, lets order pizza; it will take that cunt ages to get
up.'"

Blonde Joke
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Classic Joke
An elderly couple go to a physician complaining of non-specific
sexual dysfunction, and ask the doctor if he will watch them
having sex to determine if anything is wrong. After their
romantic session, the MD assures them that everything seems
fine and sends them on their way. One week later, they are back
with the same complaint, and perform under his judgemental eye
once more. Again, everything seems perfectly normal and he tells
them so. Again, in one week's time, they appear and have sex
while he watches. The MD, confused, tells them "Look, this is
the third time you've been in here, and NOTHING is wrong with
the way you make love! What's really going on here?"

"Well," the elderly gentleman replies, "you see, we're both
married, but not to each other. So I can't go to her place, and
she can't go to my place. Now Howard Johnson's charges $45 for a
room, but you charge $35 for an office visit, plus we can write
off 30% of this to Medicare."

Useless Trivia
Your statistical chance of being murdered is one in twenty
thousand.

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so fat the national space agency classified her as a
planet.

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#70):
What happened in the middle of the 20th century that will
not happen again for more than 4000 years?

The solution:
The year 1961. It reads the same when upside down. Won't
happen again until the year 6009.

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