Archive

Puzzle #69
The verbs BRING, BUY, CATCH, FIGHT, FREIGHT, SEEK, TEACH and
THINK share a common property that no other common verbs in the
English language possess. What is it?

Solution next week!

Joke
A friend is teaching an introductory biology class at a local
university. The topic last week was mammals, and she was
preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various
animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the mammals.

Of course the obvious place to look for images is on the
internet, and she had great success with searches for "armadillo
photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos".

Then she made her mistake: she did a search for "beaver photos".

Short Joke
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you pick up anything with that?

Bumper Sticker
Drive it like you stole it.

Joke
There were four burglars who broke into a veterinarian's office
in Noblesville, Ind., looking for the painkiller known as
OxyContin, which some people snort to get high.

What they actually stole was oxytocin, which is given to
laboring females to help them give birth, and develop nurturing
feelings towards their progeny.

The author says "Maybe I'm wrong, but you've got to think that
four young guys with enlarged, tender nipples and a tendency to
cuddle are not going to fare that well in prison."

He was saying that the burglars seemed to have an attention span
of three letters, in order to confuse the two.

At least they didn't steal the OxyClean.

One Liner
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone in
mind to blame.

Joke
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the
drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked
it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad... you're drunk."

Quote
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
- George Carlin

One Liner
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.

Corny Joke
A guy is walking through a circus fairground one day, when he
notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious.

Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No
response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth
to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.

Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's
blouse, slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he
begins to massage and fondle her firm, milky breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples
stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands still
massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of
such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept
shouting, "Rubber balloons!... Rubber balloons!"

Little Johnny Joke
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought
around cookies for snack time. "Here Little Johnny, have a
cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and
scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide
behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him "Here Little
Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"

"Yeah, so don't fucking give him a cookie," said Little Johnny's
mother.

Blonde Joke
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig
under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where
did you get that?"

The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle."

Classic Joke
Flash back to the top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would have
been more appropriate than "Start Me Up" for the Windows 95
commercial:

10. Just My Imagination
9. I'm Going Down
8. Let It Bleed
7. Gimme Shelter
6. Bitch
5. Shattered
4. Play With Fire
3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction
2. You Can't Always Get What you Want

and the number one rejected Rolling Stones song...

1. 19th Nervous Breakdown

Now, to October 2001, where Microsoft is using Madonna's "Ray of
Light" for Windows XP. Some more appropriate Madonna songs for
Windows XP:

10. Get Down
9. Live to Tell
8. Gambler
7. Rescue Me
6. Burning Up
5. Cry Baby
4. Why's It So Hard
3. And the Money Kept Rolling In (from Evita)
2. Nobody's Perfect

and the number one rejected Madonna song...

1. Frozen

Useless Trivia
Outside the USA, Ireland is the largest software producing
country in the world.

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#68):
There seems to be only one ordinary English word that can
be turned into another common word by replacing a U with
a V. Find it.

The solution:
Value, which can be turned into valve.

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