Archive

Puzzle #68
There seems to be only one ordinary English word that can
be turned into another common word by replacing a U with
a V. Find it.

Solution next week!

Joke
Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and
Powell?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys
doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning World War 3"

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Afghans
this time and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no-one would
worry about the 140 million Afghans!"

Short Joke
The waitress was waiting as patiently as he could while the
smart-ass man was dawdling over the breakfast menu.

He says: "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of
the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own."

The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should
take a look at the children's menu."

Bumper Sticker
Driver naked from the waist down.

Joke
"A History of Teaching Mathematics"

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber
for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the
elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production
contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as
a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is
the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the
question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a
company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much
capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock
options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed,
because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2000: A company outsources all of its loggers.
They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down
the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks
vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.
The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a
good move?

Teaching Math in 2001: A logging company exports its
wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off
the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half).
It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the
spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells
the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence
of loggable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company
from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment
of the lobbying costs?

One Liner
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Topical Joke
Yourtown (AP) -- A downtown bakery was closed today after a
"white, powdery substance" was found coating cutting boards and
tables. In addition, several bags were found on the shelves
leaking an unknown fine white powder.

The bakery was immediately sealed off, and all employees hosed
down and taken to CDC biowarfare centers for decontamination and
testing. So far, none have tested positive for Anthrax. All
employees of the baker plus customers who have eaten its bread
have been put on Cipro, though many are complaining of the
annoying side effects of the drug.

In a related story, all local beaches were closed after reports
of a "fine, light-brown gritty substance" found near the water.
Also, several mother's kitchens were sealed after workers found
white powder on rolling pins and in cupboards.

"You can't be too careful," said Mom, after puking up her lunch
with nausea from the Ciprfloxacin she started taking as soon as
the white powder was discovered. Her husband had convinced their
doctor to write a prescription for the case when the scare
began.

Test results on all cases identified the white powder as
"flour", a non-toxic cooking ingredient. In one case a product
known as "confectioner's sugar" was the culprit. It is also
non-toxic.

"I don't understand this powder panic," said CDC epidemiologist
Winston Smith. "Anthrax isn't a white powder at all. Anthrax
spores are too small to be seen."

When informed the powder was non-toxic, most workers stopped
taking their antibiotics, which in some of them will cause the
breeding of antibiotic resistant bacteria of other strains. The
bacteria could not be reached for comment.

In other news, millions of postal customers are reporting
"suspicious mail" to authorities. John Wilson, of Los Angeles,
turned in mail that was marked in with all sorts of official
phrases like "Dated Material -- open immediately", "Office of
departmental records" and "To be opened by addressee only" but
nothing but a mortgage solicitation. "It shouldn't look like
it's government stuff but contain only an ad. That's mighty
suspicious if you ask me." Officials at the Mortgage company
were taken in for questions, stripped and decontaminated, then
released when it was revealed their letters contained no
infectious particles.

Another seized mailing indicated that recipients "may already
have won" a prize when in fact they were an ordinary sweepstakes
requiring the recipient to send in a form with detailed personal
information that might be of use to terrorists planning an
attack. A Mr. McMahon was taken in for decontamination.

Even more suspect were two letters with with suspicious offers.
One offered major prizes and a free trip, but hid in fine print
the compulsion to attend a high pressure time-share sales
presentation. Another indicated the recipient was pre-approved
for a credit card with a 2% interest rate, which it turned out
jumped to 19% after a short time.

CDC officials continue to encourage Americans to report any
suspicious mail to authorities. If you see it, do not open it.
Instead move away from it and report it to authorities.

Quote
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent
an evening with an insurance salesman?"
- Woody Allen

One Liner
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always
finds me and brings me back.

List Joke
- Signs You're Really Broke -

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside
a fine restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond
with Abe.

5. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

6. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to
24.9%.

7. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis
shoes.

8. You receive care packages from Europe.

9. Your bologna has no first name.

10. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

11. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

12. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

13. You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

14. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

15. Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."

16. The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

Corny Joke
All of Noah's animals went on board the Ark in pairs.

Except the worms.

They went in apples.

Little Johnny Joke
One day Little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about
agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm
equipment.

She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of
class?" she asks. Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks
up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has
something dirty in mind and picks Suzy. "What is this Suzy?".

"Its a rake".

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and
points at the next picture.

Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her
hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny.

"That's a pitchfork" says little Suzy.

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher
asks once more.

Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course
it's little Johnny.

Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher
asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?".

All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH,
UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel."

"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe".

"What?!?! My sister's a ho and she don't look nuttin' like
that!!"

Blonde Joke
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it
started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone
with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled
the car over.

A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad
you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So
I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"

The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air
freshener."

Classic Joke
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly
held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Useless Trivia
Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when
typing.

Yo Momma Joke
Yo momma so fat, her picture takes two frames!

Last Week's Puzzle Solution
The puzzle (#67):
The more you take the more you leave behind.

What is it?

The solution:
Footsteps.

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